Are You the Toxic One in Your Relationship?

It takes two to tango in a relationship. When you’re arguing with your partner or just not seeing eye to eye, it’s often the case that both parties are adding fuel to the fire. But have you ever stopped to wonder if you are throwing more gasoline on the flames than your partner?

It's easy to get so caught up in the drama of a souring relationship that we become blind to the role we've played in it. We may think that our actions and words are justified, or that we are the victims in the situation. But the truth is, we all have toxic traits that bubble up to the surface when we’re feeling stressed. And sometimes, those behaviors can be the root cause of problems that we're blaming on our partner.

Before pointing fingers, it's important to take a step back and reflect on your own actions. Here are seven telltale signs that you may be the toxic one in your relationship.

#1 You think in terms of blame rather than understanding

When you disagree with your partner, there shouldn’t be a debate over who’s right and who’s wrong. You're both expressing how you feel in a specific situation, and those feelings are equally valid. The goal should be to find solutions rather than placing blame.

If you’re keeping score and using past mistakes as ammunition, you're not trying to understand your partner's perspective—you're caught up in making sure they know it's their fault. There are no two ways about it, this is toxic behavior. Your partner won't feel heard or validated, and you’ll be adding an extra layer of negative energy to the relationship that will only provoke a defensive response.

#2 You see things from your perspective exclusively

If someone asks you about the tension between you and your significant other, you respond by telling them what your partner did or said and how that made you feel. But would it ever occur to you to reverse that situation and acknowledge how your words and actions might be making them feel? If not, it means you aren’t respecting your partner’s perspective.

We all need to vent every now and then, and that’s okay. But in a healthy relationship, you should be able to see how you might be partly responsible for the trouble, because you have reflected on that question in a serious way. If you have fallen out of the habit of seeing things from your partner's perspective, it may be time to start practicing empathy and putting yourself in their shoes.

#3 You aren’t completely honest in your communications

When you have conversations with your partner, do you say you're being honest but then tell them what they want to hear? Do you hide your true feelings and thoughts to avoid clashes and conflict? Being dishonest, whether it's through lies or holding back important information, is a form of toxicity. It breeds mistrust and can lead to bigger problems down the road.

Yes, it's hard to have difficult conversations and yes, you'll need to get over your own discomfort when doing so. But it's better to have open and honest communication now than to build a relationship on a shaky foundation of half-truths.

#4 You’re less empathetic to your partner than you were in the past

You may think of yourself as a highly compassionate person. But if you find it easier to empathize with friends or strangers than with your partner, it's a clear sign that something is not right. That's especially true if you used to be more empathetic towards your partner than you are now.  

Don't ignore this warning sign. It's often an indication that you’ve let your frustrations and resentments get in the way, to the point where you have built walls and become emotionally unavailable in your relationship. This behavior is as toxic for you as it is for your partner, as it can lead to a lack of emotional intimacy and connection.

#5 You are conflict avoidant

This might seem counterintuitive as no one wants to get stuck on a roller coaster of endless fights and arguments. But there is a difference between conflict that destroys relationships and conflict that clears the air and allows for a fresh start. If you avoid any and all conflict, you're not helping your relationship—you’re putting off the inevitable.

Issues don't magically disappear just because you ignore them. In fact, by avoiding conflict, you're letting problems fester and grow until they become too big to handle. Meanwhile, your partner is walking on eggshells, frustrated that they cannot confront you and resolve issues in a healthy way.   

#6 You don’t take responsibility for your own happiness

A common misconception in relationships is that your partner should make you happy. While they can certainly play a role in contributing to your overall happiness—and they certainly shouldn't make you unhappy—ultimately, it's up to you to take responsibility for your own emotional wellbeing. If you constantly rely on your partner to make you happy, it can create an unhealthy dynamic where you start to blame them when things don't go your way.

Healthy relationships are built on two individuals who are responsible for their own happiness, and come together to share that happiness with each other. The whole is greater than the sum of its parts, but those parts need to be whole in themselves first.

#7 You have had problems in other relationships as well

If your past relationships were also poisoned by ill feelings and tensions, this is one of the surest signs of toxic behavior on your part. When the same issues keep arising, it's a clear indication that you may have unresolved patterns and behaviors that are causing harm to your relationships.

This doesn't mean you're a bad person or that you're doomed to fail in every relationship. It simply means you may have some personal work to do.

Taking responsibility for your behaviors, without making any excuses, is the first necessary step. Once you understand how you’ve contributed to or even initiated the various conflicts, you can start to address these issues and make positive changes for the future. It takes effort and self-awareness to change toxic behaviors, but the rewards are worth it. You’ll be in a steadier place, and have a happier relationship overall.